


You Were Just Collateral Damage

by holmes221b



Category: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Genre: Cheating, Explicit Language, F/M, M/M, and possibly also harmony, perry and harry both have a swearing problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-29
Updated: 2010-03-29
Packaged: 2017-10-08 09:59:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holmes221b/pseuds/holmes221b
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry sees something he wishes he could unsee.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as a spur of the moment thing last night when I couldn't sleep. I may end up writing a sequel at a later date if there's any interest in me doing so.

Harry sat alone at a table for two at the fancy, expensive restaurant Perry had suggested he take Harmony to, wondering what was keeping Harmony.  
He was unaware of the terrible discovery his boss was about to make on the stake out he was going to instead of furthering his own romantic interests (though Perry was still wondering why he'd decided to give Harry the night off _AND_ foot the bill for his assistant's date with his high school sweetheart).  
Several blocks away from where Harry sat waiting for Harmony, Perry Van Shrike sat in his sedan, taking incriminating photos for his latest client of said client's cheating husband.  
And that's when he got a clean shot of the face of the blonde the man was cheating on his wife with, and he came all too close to losing his self-control and interrupting the affair he was witnessing.  
By the time Perry returned home around two A.M., Harry was fast asleep in his bed. He didn't even twitch when Perry stuck his head into the room to check on him.  
Harry looked so much younger when he was asleep, especially on the nights when he was sucking his thumb--a throwback to the younger man's childhood, Perry had decided without ever consulting Harry about the matter.  
Harry was as childishly adorable as ever as he slept that night, and so Perry found himself heading to his own bed without telling his assistant about what he had seen, telling himself that he would bring the matter up in the morning, after a couple hours' sleep.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry sees something he wishes he could unsee.

That morning, Harry was up before Perry, a rare occurrence, even on Saturdays.  
However, Perry had been prepared for such a thing happening that morning (since he had been out really late on a stake out, after all), and so he had left Harry a list of things he could not do while Perry slept in late that particular Saturday morning:  


>   
> **DO NOT:**  
> 
> 
>   
> 
>   * Make coffee or any other hot drink
>   
> 
>   * Cook anything on the stove or in the oven
>   
> 
>   * Microwave anything wrapped in foil
>   
> 
>   * Take the eggs out of the refrigerator
>   
> 
>   * Answer the office phone
>   
> 
>   * Shoot yourself with a gun, stapler, etc.
>   
> 
>   * Take any cases without consulting me first
>   
> 
>   * Wake me up
>   
> 
>   * Set off the fire alarm
>   
> 
>   * Sing anything (especially anything by ABBA)
>   
> 
>   * Kill yourself
>   
> 
>   * Lose another finger
>   
> 
>   * Smoke inside the house
>   
> 
>   * Piss off any bad guys
>   
> 
>   * Find any dead girls in the shower
>   
> 
>   * If you do find yourself finding a girl (dead or otherwise) in the shower, please refrain from fucking pissing on her!
>   
> 
>   * Mess with anything of mine
>   
> 
>   * Google 'gay porn' on my computer
>   
> 
>   * Anything that you know I don't want you doing that's not mentioned here
>   
> 
  
> 

  
On the other side of the list was a message from Perry, threatening to amputate a couple more fingers if he did anything on the list of things he wasn't supposed to do.  
Harry just rolled his eyes at the note and pulled out the ingredients for cinnamon chocolate chip pancakes (his mother had taught him how to make them when he was fifteen, and it was one of the few things he could make from scratch without starting a house fire--not that Perry knew or cared).  
From the length of the list, Harry could tell that last night's stake out had not gone well for his boss. 


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry sees something he wishes he could unsee.

Perry woke to the smell of cinnamon chocolate chip pancakes.  
For a fleeting instant he was annoyed that Harry had disregarded his list, but the rumbling of his stomach reminded him that he hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday, so Perry decided that he would forgo torturing Harry this time.  
Harry looked up from the paper (Perry had gotten him into the habit of reading the newspaper after only a month of rooming with him) as his boss shuffled into the kitchen.  
"Morning, Per," he chirped.  
"At least you left the fucking coffeemaker alone this time," grunted Perry, getting a plate out and helping himself to a couple of pancakes.  
"Well, I figured since the coffeemaker was so fucking anti-straight, it must be gay," Harry observed, taking a swig from his bottle of coke (hey, Harry had to have his morning dose of caffeine some how, after all).  
Perry snorted, knowing that Harry was only saying that to cheer him up.  
"Whatever, fuckhead," the PI said as he started the coffeemaker, not interested in teasing Harry right then, the events of last night still weighing on his mind.  
"So, how was last night, Per? Did you catch him cheating?" Harry asked after Perry had sat down at the table across from him with his pancakes.  
Perry sighed.  
He knew he couldn't keep what he had seen a secret, and yet it really wasn't his place to tell Harry about what he had seen.  
Harmony was Harry's fucking dream girl, after all.  
"Perry?" Harry called uncertainly, breaking into the PI's thoughts.  
Fuck Harmony, Perry finally decided.  
"Yep, he was cheating," Perry replied. "And with a friend of ours, too."  
"He's gay?" Harry immediately asked.  
"No, fuckhead, he's not gay," Perry corrected him. The PI almost laughed at the very audible sigh of relief Harry made in reply. The seriousness of what he needed to tell Harry was the only thing that kept his laughter silent. "He was fucking Harmony."  
"Harmony?" Harry dumbly echo'd, his mind not quite understanding what he'd just been told.  
"Yes, Harmony. Your fucking Harmony, Harry," Perry snarled. "If you don't believe me, just take a look at the pictures on the camera."  
"You're wrong," Harry insisted.  
"You know I wouldn't fucking lie to you about this, Harry," Perry pointed out.  
"I don't know, Perry, but you've got to be wrong some-fucking-how," Harry insisted.  
Perry shook his head.  
"I'm sorry, Harry, but there's no fucking way that I'm wrong about this," he grimly observed.  
But Harry wouldn't listen. He stood up and raced out of the kitchen.  
Before Perry could even catch up to him, Harry was gone, the door slamming shut behind him in his misery.  
Perry felt terrible as he stood alone in the front hallway, the slamming of his front door ringing in his ears.  
"Well, that could have fucking gone better," he observed with a scowl.


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry sees something he wishes he could unsee.

Harry couldn't remember how he'd gotten to the store from Perry's house, but the sight of the gum on display beside the cashier stations made his fingers tingle with the urge to steal, an urge he'd not felt since he'd moved in with Perry and yet it was like riding a bike.  
Well, almost like riding a bike, Harry ruefully thought as the cops took him off to jail.  
He really didn't know how those DVD's had gotten in his jacket pockets, but of course nobody believed him.  
Harry didn't really blame them. He wouldn't have believed himself if he had been in their place.


	5. Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry sees something he wishes he could unsee.

BUZZ!  
Perry frowned as he got a good look at the caller ID.  
He'd been hoping for Harry, not another client.  
But he answered anyways. To do otherwise would have been unprofessional.  
"Perry Van Shrike speaking."  
"Oh, Perry, thank god you picked up."  
"Harry? What the fuck? Where's your fucking phone?" Perry demanded.  
"I'm in jail," Harry simply replied.  
"Fuck, Harry, why?" Perry demanded, even as he mentally went through a list of who he would have to call in favors with to spring Harry.  
Harry sighed, clearly unhappy with his current predicament.  
"Did you kill someone while you were running off?" Perry demanded when Harry never replied.  
"What?! No!" exclaimed Harry.  
"Well then, what did you fucking do this time?"  
"I stole a couple packs of gum," the (formerly ex) thief admitted.  
"That can't possibly be all, Harry."  
"There was a couple of DVD's in my pockets that I don't fucking know how they got there, too," Harry admitted.  
"Seriously, Harry, you don't fucking believe that I'm going to fucking believe that, right?"  
"Fuck, Perry, I fucking know that, but it's the fucking truth!" Harry insisted.  
Perry sighed, knowing from his assistant's tone of voice that he was telling the truth (for once).  
"I'll be over there in about fifteen minutes, thirty if I get stuck in traffic. Try not to make things worse in the meanwhile, okay?"


	6. Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry sees something he wishes he could unsee.

Perry used one of the many favors owed to him by the LAPD to clear Harry's name completely.  
As it turned out, the DVD's had been planted by one of the employees at the store, and they would have likely gotten away with it if it had not been for Perry's involvement.  
As it was, it took them all day to clear Harry of any involvement in the DVD thefts, so it wasn't until that evening that Harry and Perry returned home, only to find a very pissed off Harmony Faith Lane.  
"What the fuck, Perry?!" she demanded in lieu of a proper greeting.  
"I'm sorry, Harmony, but you're not my type," Perry observed, his quick mind taking in the fact that Harmony had discovered the incriminating photos he'd taken last night.  
"I know you have a thing for Harry, but following me around to find evidence to show Harry what a bad person I really fucking am for him is way too fucking much!" she demanded.  
"For your fucking information, Harmony, I wasn't fucking following you," Perry replied.  
"Then how did you get these?" she challenged, indicating the photos of her and Perry's client's husband having sex.  
"I was hired by this man's wife," the PI explained, indicating Harmony's bedmate as he spoke, "to find out whether he was having an affair or not. You were just collateral damage."  
"So it's true?" Harry asked, finally finding his voice again.  
Harmony sighed.  
"Yes, Harry," she admitted. "It's true."  
With a great sob, Harry fled the living room for his bedroom. Harmony winced as Harry slammed his door, but Perry didn't even blink.  
With an angry snarl, he ordered Harmony to leave immediately. Once she was gone, Perry went to Harry and calmed him down.


End file.
